


Ten Rules to Live By (When You Live By Your Own Rules)

by princejoopie



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (but a temporary one bc Klaus), (technically AU but might as well be pre-canon), Alternate Universe, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drug Use, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Canon, Prostitution, Unreliable Narrator, sex worker Klaus Hargreeves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25103308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princejoopie/pseuds/princejoopie
Summary: I'm Klaus and this is my guide to surviving on the streets.Read it or don't. I don't care.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. Number Fucking Four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rule One: Always use a fake last name, or your real one that you never got the chance to have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to warn you up front that this will probably have a horribly inconsistent upload schedule. This is something I've had in the works for a hot minute. I absolutely adore reading unreliable narrator shit, so I thought I'd try my hand at writing it too. The writing has been slow going but I figured why not since the last chapter of The Unlucky Ones goes up on Friday. Consider publishing this to be my birthday present to myself. Hope y'all enjoy <3

“Klaus.”

“Klaus...?”

“Lieber,” I said. “Klaus Lieber.”

Lieber was my mother’s name. It wasn’t on my paperwork, but hey, neither was Klaus. I wasn’t about to meet a new dealer and confirm that I’m the guy he was looking for with the name Number Four Hargreeves.

 _Number fucking Four,_ they’d think I was insane! Or, _more_ insane, at least. Plus if anyone made the connection then the tabloids would be _all_ over me, and it took me years to get away from them in the first place so I’d _never_ fucking lose them again after that.

So I stick with Lieber. She sold her goddamn _kid,_ the least she can do is let him borrow her last name when he’s trying to buy coke.

I also don’t have schizophrenia. I tell them drugs are the only thing that gets the voices to stop and that’s what they all assume, and I’m not about to correct them. Because if I said it was actually ghosts then they’d think I was a full-on, nutjob, needs-to-be-committed psycho. Or _worse,_ they’d realize I was telling the truth.

They’d realize that I can indeed see ghosts, because I am indeed Number fucking Four.

I’ve done a really good job of staying out of the public eye for the most part. Up until I was around twenty-one, the paparazzi were always on my ass. I had such gaudy black clothing, the most obvious hand tattoos ever, and an almost sickly thin body you could spot from a mile away. Nowadays I’m different. Now I have a beard too.

I’ve had my fair share of close calls though- I’ve been recognized before. One time a few years ago I woke up- in an actual _bed_ \- and the first thing I heard when I opened my eyes was, “Hey. You that umbrella kid?”

Once my head stopped throbbing for long enough to let his words sink in, I sprang up and realized my arm had been laying exposed with both the umbrella and the GOODBYE visible. Wide-eyed, I turned to him and whispered, “Please don’t tell anyone.”

I must've sounded too desperate- which, yes, was my own fault- but I immediately regretted saying it like that when he opened his big stupid mouth. “And what's in it for me if I don't?” I knew that was coming. I was such a fucking _idiot_ and gave him a goddamn bargaining chip when I should've just played it off like I didn't care.

Still, though, a free blowjob was a small price to pay for anonymity. I promised him another the next time he saw me around, and then I left that side of the city the next day, because I don't much care for being blackmailed.

And I don’t much care for being outed as Klaus Hargreeves. Because I’m not. I’m-

“Klaus Lieber, alright. And Jace said you wanted coke?”

I nodded, throwing a glance over my shoulder to make sure anyone who might be walking by the alley was minding their own business. The man continued, “And how much are you looking to buy?”

“Two g’s.” I reached into my coat and pulled a handful of bills out of the pocket where I kept my stash. Didn’t want him to see all of it and get any funny ideas about overcharging me. I don’t spend my nights taking rich guys’ tiny dicks in the back seats of their fancy cars for nothing.

“Hundred twenty,” he said gruffly.

I handed over the bills as he handed over the bag, and I grinned and said, “Pleasure doing business with you,” which he returned with a nod. A _nod!_ Not even a ‘same to you’ or anything. Talk about bad first impressions.

That was all I could think about as I made my way back to Jason’s place. It was the thing on my mind as I snorted a line off the shitty coffee table in his shitty basement apartment. And when I sat up and dropped back into the couch, I turned to him and muttered, “Guy barely even said a word to me.”

He just laughed. Passing me the joint he’d just lit, he said, “He’s a _dealer,_ Klaus. He doesn’t have to be your friend.”

“A little warmth goes a long way, y'know.” I took a drag and passed it back. “I’m just saying, if _I_ were a dealer, I’d try and make my customers feel a little more comfortable.”

“If _you_ were a dealer,” he shot back, “You’d use up all the shit before anyone else even had a chance to buy it. I’d make a way better dealer than you because I have at least a _little_ self-control.”

I rolled my eyes and slumped even further into the dusty cushions. “Easy for you to say. You can only see the living.”

Jace scoffed and took another drag off the joint. “Touché, I guess.”

He’s one of the only people that knows. Just him and Linney and no one else. To say I trust them would be an exaggeration- I don’t trust _anyone_ \- but they’re the closest I have to living friends, so they’ll do.

I’m not sure if they’re keeping my secret because they like me or because I have dirt on them too, but either way, it works out nicely.

I barely trust the only person I consider to be an _actual_ friend. But I don’t have to worry about him ratting me out because he can’t talk to anyone but me anyway. The only person I _do_ trust is Diego, and the only reason for that is because if he outs me, I can out him in return.

Allison’s a mega-celebrity and Luther’s on the goddamn moon, but not all of us want to give up our alter-egos so easily. Some of us want to _escape_ from that shitty past instead of basking in it.

Me? I want to escape to my own shitty future. A future as Klaus Lieber. Not Number fucking Four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is super appreciated, as always, especially since this is a new style I'm trying out. Thank you for reading! <3


	2. Run.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rule Two: Anything is free if you can run fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot minute since I updated this but I figured why not? I have a couple other things in the works that I'm currently procrastinating so I thought I'd work on this in the meantime. Hope you enjoy!

It's a balancing act. You need to straddle the line between looking at the ground to make sure you don't trip and looking ahead of you to make sure you don't run into some unsuspecting pedestrian.

But sticking to the street is really the better option, in which case you have to be careful of cars instead. Sidewalks are too lumpy and uneven, especially with trees around.  _ And  _ that way you can weave between cars and run through intersections to make it easier to lose them.

Of course, if they're chasing you in a  _ car _ then all that goes out the window, and you can start cutting through backyards and hopping fences-  _ anything _ it takes to get away.

That's assuming you don't want to be caught, of course. Prison isn't really as bad as it sounds, honestly. Did some time for drug charges a few years back. You get three meals a day and a bed to sleep on, which is more than I ever had most days on the streets. Plus, if you're a bottom, there are some…  _ extra perks _ as well.

But keep in mind, if you have someone trading you cigarettes for sex, you  _ cannot let him know  _ that it's actually a win-win for you. Don't seem too enthusiastic, and make sure you keep any noises sounding like they could be out of discomfort and not pleasure. I  _ know _ how hard it is, but it's important.

But if you  _ don't _ want to get caught, you need to run. And you need to run  _ fast. _

The best thing for that is to load up on carbs beforehand. Of course, you might run into some problems if food is the thing you're stealing. Then you might have to run on an empty stomach, which isn't ideal, but it's a hell of a lot easier than eating  _ while _ running. Trust me.

Another good rule of thumb is to never try to steal more than you can carry. It may sound obvious, but it's easy to overestimate yourself. We've all been there.

We've all tried to grab three gnomes at once from an antique store even though our brother warned us it was a stupid idea. He always spouts bullshit like, "You always trip over your own feet even when you're not carrying anything," and "Do you have any idea how easy it is to break a gnome, Klaus?" but you know better.

But then you don't realize there's a step down from the door to the parking lot until you're face-first on the pavement in a pile of gnome debris and you have to scramble to your feet and get out of there before the cops come, or even more so just to spare yourself the embarrassment of seeing another human right then. And of course Ben is laughing.

No? Just me? Oh well.

Another thing to note is that there are always more cop cars than you think, especially in a city as big as this. You might hear the sirens coming from one direction and run the other way, only to find yourself directly in the path of another cruiser.

My best advice here is to familiarize yourself with the layout of the city, where the police station is, and where the cars tend to patrol at what times of the day. It might seem like a daunting task, but a lot of this you'll pick up on just through your normal day-to-day life.

Something that will help you evade the police even more effectively is a vigilante brother, or really, any relative. He may claim he's doing the right thing or whatever, but trust me, he'll help you out of a pinch if he gets to you before the cops do.

Something else to keep in mind is your shoes. Don't run barefoot,  _ ever. _ Best case scenario is dog shit. Worst case is a needle with who-knows-what diseases.

And even though you see it in movies, don't run in heels either. I can  _ now _ but as a kid I had my jaw wired shut for two months just from trying to  _ walk _ in them. The only situation where I can advise running barefoot is if your only other alternative is heels.

The best thing is a solid pair of sneakers, obviously. And here's a tip- if you need a good new pair of sneakers to run in, go into a shoe store, try them on, and just run out. You don't have to carry anything  _ and _ you can run more easily. Best thing to steal.

That's another thing to consider- how useful will the thing you're stealing be to you? The best things to steal are food, clothes, and expensive shit to pawn. (When you're dealing with expensive shit, though, the less fragile, the better.)

A couple more tips for pawn shops, though- for one, if expensive shit gets stolen from one, they'll all find out about it within a few minutes. Then you'll just be stuck with a gold-plated foosball trophy with nowhere to sell it and the cops on the way. Again, we've all been there.

The other tip is that if you get cash from pawning shit, do  _ not _ spend it on food or clothes. Save the cash for cigarettes, drugs, motel rooms, etc. Stuff you can't steal. And this goes without saying, but you should only be getting a motel room if it's for  _ you. _ If it's for work, the client should be paying.

That's the other effective way to get money, and the one I tend to use more often. You have to embrace a certain level of shamelessness to do it, but once you get over that and the realization finally settles in that it's either this or starve, then it's the fastest and easiest way to make a quick buck.

But if you think you're above sex work, or you're in a committed relationship, or any other bullshit like that, then you'll have to get really damn good at stealing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading! <3


End file.
